Inspired by @LostBeau’s 10 Things I Would Do If I Had A Penis, here are my favourite post-sex feelings. But I’ve gone for 11, partly because I didn’t want her to accuse me of plagiarism, and partly because I meant to write 10 but miscounted, and didn’t want to delete anything. After all, all content is good content (and I definitely didn’t choose 11 because I’m an idiot who can’t accurately count to 10).
So here we go. Brace yourself, this ain’t gonna be pretty…
I’m not the world’s biggest pube-fan, if I’m honest. I don’t have any myself (because mine are ginger – not in a cute, sexy, fiery Adonis way, but in a You’ve Been Tangoed, Kill It With Fire kind of way, so I have to either shave them off or face never getting laid again), and would prefer it if you didn’t have many pubes either. But I get a little pang of pride when I pull a pube from between my teeth after sex (especially if I’m speaking to my partner’s mum at the time). Better yet, pulling someone else’s pube from under your foreskin is a milestone in any man’s sexual development. Gross? Yeah. True? Yeah.
10. Being Bailed On.
Waking up after the night before with the girl-shaped silhouette sunk into the mattress but no girl to fill it. She’s gone with no explanation and it’s a great feeling. Especially if it’s her house. Why is it a good feeling? Because there’s no awkwardness or strained conversation. You both got what you wanted. Why ruin it with conversation? And let’s face it, now you’re sober the morning sex wouldn’t have been as good anyway.
9. Sex Flashbacks.
You’re in a meeting listening to a very dull man in a cheap suit from some agency or other talking about ROI, ATV and PPC. Then suddenly, a girl is naked on all fours in front of you, you have a handful of her hair in one hand and the thumb of your other hand in her arse, and she’s looking over her shoulder at you while you slam into her. Then just as suddenly, you’re back in the meeting room and everyone’s looking at you in anticipation of an answer to the question the dull, cheaply-suited man just asked you. “Yeah, yes, I’m totally on board with the strategy,” you blurt out; as you realise your sex flashback has just made you agree to something you have no idea about.
The next thing you know, you’re on a ferry to Reykjavik to head up your company’s Icelandic franchise because you accidentally agreed to it, and all because of your sex flashback. Don’t worry, Iceland is nice. Just take a windproof jacket.
8. The Smell Of Sex.
You fall asleep without showering, and when you wake up, the first thing that greets your nose is that indescribable mix of drying fluids that at any other time would make you scrunch up your face in disgust, but smells like potpourri the morning after really good sex, and you smile as it evokes a sudden sex flashback.
Then you end up in Reykjavik.
7. The Smell Of A Girl’s Hair On My Pillow.
The girl left your house four days ago, but you can still smell her hair on your pillow. It’s a great feeling… but you should probably change your sheets more, because if you’re anything like me, those sheets were already a month old. You scabby git.
6. Writing A Blog Post After Sex That At First Glance SeemsTo Be For Entertainment Purposes, But Nonetheless Has An Undercurrent Of Bragging.
Like this one.
5. When She Texts First.
She leaves in the morning, avoiding eye-contact and looking sheepish, and you think there’s about as much chance of seeing her again as there is of Lady Gaga wearing a T-shirt and jeans to an awards ceremony. But half an hour after she leaves, you get a message saying she had a great night and if you’re free this Friday night.
Then Lady Gaga turns up at the Grammys in a dressing gown and slippers. (Actually, that might happen. She’s ironic like that.)
4. The Pride/Shame Conundrum.
Girls aren’t the only ones to feel a mixture of pride and shame after sex. We get it too. It’s a conflicting feeling, and I love it. It can be summarised in a man’s mind like this (this is an actual snapshot of how my mind works, so treasure it):
“Oh god, I can’t believe I just did that; it was fucking disgusting. YES! I CAN’T BELIEVE I JUST DID THAT, IT WAS FUCKING DISGUSTING!!!!”
3. Girls Who Are Nasty By Night, Dainty By Day.
This happens a lot, and I always enjoy it. So we’ve been up all night being filthy and I’ve seen every inch of her, done terrible things to all her orifices and made her do terrible things to mine, and she gave up all her inhibitions. Then, in the morning, she won’t let me in the bathroom to brush my teeth while she pees. I totally understand it and respect that people have different privacy values, but I love that contradictory shyness all the same.
2. The “What Happened Here?” Moment.
You both wake in the morning. The daylight peeking through the curtains hurts your eyes and your head is spinning, pounding, swirling and otherwise trying to make you feel like you just got off a ferry (to Reykjavik, probably). Then you start to register the knocked over lamps, the spilled lube bottles, the sticky sex toys and the bruises and bitemarks reddening on your skin. You and your partner lock eyes, and smile, subconsciously sharing the same thought: “What the fuck happened here last night”?
And my all time favourite post-sex feeling:
1. Masturbating While She’s In The Shower.
You’ve made a total mess of her over the last few hours and she jumps in the shower as soon as the afterglow of sex has faded. Then you masturbate over the memory of what you just did, and the orgasm is more intense than the one shared minutes earlier. The second one’s always the best, anyway.
Is there anything I’ve missed? What’s your favourite post-coital phenomenon?