About ME

Since this is an About Me page, here are 51 things you might like to know about me. If you read all of them, you win a cookie. And you should probably get out more.

1. I already regret starting this list.
2. I used to espouse Chomsky’s theories about anarchosyndicalism in pubs without really understanding them.
3. Instead of learning what Chomsky’s theories really meant, I eventually just stopped talking about them.
4. I come from a very secure family and encountered nothing more tragic in my life than the death of a dog (and I was getting a blowjob on a ski-lift in the Alps when that happened).
5. I’ve taken [EDIT].
6. I’ve never taken a driving test but I’ve owned two cars. I destroyed them both, and crashed a third that was owned by a friend.
7. I’m right handed but hold my fork in my right hand and tear food rather than cut it. My sister says I eat like a Neanderthal. I say she smells like one.
8. Maturity is not my strongpoint.
9. John Yossarian is not my real name. I’m a little disappointed when people think it is my name, and very flattered when people ‘get it’ and realise it’s a pseudonym.
10. I don’t own a TV and have no interest whatsoever in celebratory.
11. All of my earliest sexual encounters were [EDIT].
12. I chew my cuticles until they bleed.
13. I really enjoy my own company. Honestly, I relish time to myself.
14. I was a chef for years until I realised I was terrible at it.
15. Sometimes I feel like I don’t have enough time to learn all the things I want to learn, so instead of sticking to a specific topic for any period of time I flit from topic to topic trying to absorb the main concepts from as many different areas as possible. This often results in an incomplete understanding of a topic.
16. I’m not as funny and energetic as I used to be, and I don’t mind that.
17. I once laughed so much that I was sick, over something that wasn’t particularly funny to anyone else. (In Brighton after a football match, the fans were walking across a public park and one of them threw a klaxon at a group of rival fans who were paying no attention. The klaxon hung in the air for ages before dropping directly onto the bald head of one of the rival fans, causing it to sound briefly at the moment of impact.)
18. I was laughing as I wrote that last one.
19. I had my first cigarette aged 11, and was 13 the first time I got drunk.
20. I still have no respect for alcohol. Though I don’t really drink that often, when I do I tend to drink to get drunk.
21. I get intensely jealous of other guys who have a talent – any talent – that I don’t have.
22. I speak too fast and blush when I’m nervous.
23. I drink coffee cold.
24. I don’t have a criminal record, but I’ve been arrested several times.
25. I really enjoy watching girly films with my girlfriend. I well up when she’s not looking.
26. My heroes include a diverse bunch of people, from intellectuals like Richard Feynman and Richard Dawkins to fighters; Bas Rutten is probably my biggest hero.
27. I do things when I’m drunk to piss myself off when I’m sober.
28. I find it hard to explain my political position. I’m an incredibly liberal man, but still believe that the death penalty should be brought back in the UK and that 2 years military service should be compulsory (for every man and woman capable of it).
29. I’m looking forward to turning 30, but I know that I’ll be nervous the closer that date gets.
30. My nose was broken when I got caught trying to steal a [EDIT].
31. I respect poets, but have no interest in writing poetry myself. I find poetry too claustrophobic to write, and much prefer the wise-open expanse of prose.
32. I am an atheist because a teacher once told me that “just because we don’t have all the answers right now doesn’t mean there are NO answers. The answers are out there, and we’ll find them all one day”. This phrase directs my religious thought to this day.
33. I firmly believe that we are alive in the most exciting time in human history. Thousands of years from now, I think our distant ancestors will wish they could have lived today. Speaking relatively, this is the start of history, this is where everything begins.
34. I find myself drawn to conspiracy theories and alternative histories. I rarely believe them, but I still find them interesting. They’re like modern folk tales.
35. I wish I could tell my mum what I do for a living.
36. I communicate in writing far better than I do in speech.
37. I care more than I should about money. I used to believe money should be abolished; now I just want to be wealthy.
38. Catch-22 is the most important book in my life, and I could talk for hours about it. I’ve read it more times than I can remember and have several annotated copies.
39. I have regrets.
40. I recently punched someone so hard that I thought I had killed them.
41. My favourite word is probably ‘vertiginous’.
42. I’m almost always covered in bruises.
43. I believe sex is extremely important.
44. I have never been caught masturbating, but I have left ‘evidence’ that was found.
45. I try too hard to impress people.
46. When I have a lot of energy and I like what I’m writing about, I can regularly write 5000 words a day.
47. I hate it when people get really close when they’re speaking to me.
48. My favourite comedian is Louis CK.
49. When I was a teenager, I had a new epiphany every other day. Now I don’t have them at all.
50. I’m in debt.
51. I studied Linguistics and World Literature at university. I was drunk for most of it.

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